by Alice Miller, 1981 ★★★★★ First read: November 2023 ** This struck a huge chord with me, as it’s the first time I actually hear someone voice the thoughts I’ve been having in vague, confused way for a long time and much much clearer since Eric. The root of all human violence on Earth is in how infants and children are treated all over Earth. --- Her core view: *“Experience has taught us that we have only one enduring weapon in our struggle against mental illness: the emotional discovery and emotional acceptance of the truth in the individual and unique history of our childhood.”* (in the intro to The Drama OfThe Gifted Child) The author and her books are considered pretty controversial. The author has a very tragic personal story (grew up Jewish in Poland and managed to escape the Nazis with some of her family).  Her life journey is very dramatic. She emotionally abused her children, did not interfere when they were beaten by their father. Later she has an awakening regarding the true scope of parental abuse and after 20 years of practising psychotherapy denounces it very aggressively. "Child abuse like beating and humiliating not only produces unhappy and confused children, not only destructive teenagers and abusive parents, but thus also a confused, irrationally functioning society". ## My quotes: Pg 43 - the most important quote, and most painful to hear and internalize: “We cannot really love if we are forbidden to know our truth, the truth about our parents and caregivers as well as about ourselves. We can only try to behave as if we were loving. But this hypocritical behaviour is the opposite of love. It is confusing and deceptive, and it produces much helpless rage in the deceived person. This rage must be repressed in the presence of the pretended “love”, especially if one is dependent, as a child is, on the person who is masquerading in this illusion of love.” Page 65: “The child must adapt to ensure the illusion of love, care and kindness, but the adult does not need this illusion to survive. He can give up his amnesia and then be in a position to determine his actions with open eyes. Only this path will free him from his depression. Both the depressive and the grandiose person completely deny their childhood reality by living as though the availability of the parents could be salvaged: the grandiose person through the illusion of achievement, and the depressive through his constant fear of losing “love”. Neither can accept the truth that this loss and absence of love has already happened in the past, and that no effort whatsoever can change this fact.” On the Narcissistic or Grandiose personality (Page 66) - an interpretation of the legend of Narcissus as “the false self”, so beautiful. The whole section on Contempt is very poignant: - Pg. 72: “Many adults first become aware of their feelings of helplessness, jealousy and loneliness through their own children, since they had no chance to acknowledge and experience these feelings consciously in childhood.” - Pg. 73: “The suffering that was not consciously felt as a child can be avoided by delegating it to one’s own children” (...) “We cannot, simply by an act of will, free ourselves from repeating the patterns of our parents’ behaviour- which we had to learn very early in life. We become free of them only when we can fully feel and acknowledge the suffering they inflicted on us.”  - Pg. 74: “What adults do to their child’s spirit is entirely their own affair, for the child is regarded as the parents’ property …” and onwards Damaged self-articulation ---> see page 83 Pg. 94 - very important quote, very painful to hear “A mother cannot truly respect her child as long as she does not realize what deep shame she causes him with an ironic remark, intended only to cover her own uncertainty. Indeed, she cannot be aware of how deeply humiliated, despised and devalued her child feels, if she herself has never consciously suffered these feelings, and if she tries to fend them off with irony.“ Pg. 104 - “Things we can see through do not make us sick, although they may arouse our indignation, anger, sadness or feelings of impotence. What makes us sick are those things that we cannot see through.” The entire page 105 More on contempt page 106 - “.. the function that all expressions of contempt have in common is the defense against unwanted feelings.” - “.. we remain at bottom the one who is despised, for we have to despise everything in ourselves that is not wonderful, good and smart. Thus we perpetuate the loneliness of childhood: we despise the weakness, helplessness, uncertainty - in short, the child in ourselves and in others.” page 110 - “It is, after all, less painful to think that the others do not understand because they are too stupid.” Page 111 - 112 - three examples of how contempt can be manifested in various personalities Pages 114 - 116 - “She will be in less danger of idealizing people or systems.” - “She will not be scornful of others’ feelings, whatever their nature, because she takes her own feelings seriously and know how to work with them.” - “It is simply impossible to struggle successfully against hatred outside ourselves, while ignoring its messages within.” - “A house built out of self-betrayal will sooner or later fall down and mercilessly destroy human life - if not that of the builder, then that of his children, who will sense the lie without being aware of it and who will end up paying the full price for this hidden arrangement.” In the Appendix-  page 125 - “Such people will be incapable of understanding why earlier generations had to build up a gigantic war industry in order to feel at ease and safe in this world.”